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The 9/11 Attacks: The Do's and
Don'ts of Talking to Children about
that Tragic Day
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
This weekend marks the tenth anniversary of the terrorist
attack on the World Trade Center and
the Pentagon. The long awaited
memorial at "ground zero" in New
York City is being unveiled amid
sighs of relief for some and
controversy for others. As the media
coverage refocuses our thoughts on
the events of that dreadful day
strong emotions could arise and many
will be reminded of similar feelings
they had ten years ago.
The tragic loss for many families coupled with the intense
emotion felt by people across the
country makes talking about 9/11
difficult. Parents are faced with
the task of conveying the events of
9/11 while at the same time managing
their own feelings. Many parents
want to talk to their children about
what happened that day, but are not
sure what to say or even where to
begin.
Following are some do's and don'ts that we offer as a guide for
those who want to talk with their
children about this tragic
historical event that has altered
the course of our country forever.
Do your research. Prior
to talking to your children, get
clear about the facts. Make sure you
are providing accurate information
about the 9/11 attacks and their
aftermath. Much has been said about
this important time in our history
by friends, neighbors, celebrities
and politicians that is steeped in
emotion and opinion. Avoid the
perpetuation of myths and opinions.
Stay accurate in your presentation
of the 9/11 history. For information
about the 9/11 attacks and the 911
Memorial visit
www.911memorial.org.
Do respect emotions.
Your children will have a variety of
different emotions depending on
there are age, interest level and
family ties. Some children were not
born when the attacks occurred and
may have little or no emotional
connection to the events. Others
will have lost a parent, family
member or friend. There is no
statute of limitations on grieving.
Being sad and crying ten years later
is permissible. So is showing little
interest or emotion. Allow your
child to express whatever emotion he
or she is feeling.
Don't force a discussion.
If your child shows little or no
interest in a 9/11 discussion, let
it go for now. Wait for a time that
is better for him. Your children
will let you know when they are
ready to discuss a topic. They will
do that by showing a slight interest
and by asking preliminary questions.
Use those signals as a sign that the
time could be ripe for engaging in a
discussion on this important
historical event.
Do as much listening as you do talking.
Ask your child what she knows about
the 9/11 attacks and the memorial.
Her current knowledge on the topic
will act as a guide for you as to
what information or emotional
support to provide next. Ask your
child what she would like to know
and search for the answers together.
Take a virtual tour on the 911
memorial website (cited above) and
perhaps even plan a visit to the
memorial or the museum when it opens
next year.
Don't equate the terrorist attacks with the Muslim community.
The terrorists were extremists and
had very little, if anything at all,
to do with Muslim families around
the world and the ideals by which
they live. Our country has a rich
heritage that is built around the
contributions of many cultures and
many religions. Having an attitude
of tolerance and acceptance is an
important strength and defining
value of our nation. We are all more
alike than different. A 9/11
remembrance is an important time to
teach children tolerance and how to
identify prejudice when it surfaces.
Do reassure safety.
The world we live in is filled with
an abundance of safety, peace and
serenity. It is a safe world full of
people that are kind and gentle.
Yes, there are some extremists who
plot to do us harm. Do not dwell on
the negative few. Point instead to
all the safeguards that keep our
children unharmed and reassure them
of the safety in their immediate
surroundings. Identify the people
who help keep them safe as well as
some rules and regulations that have
been established to do the same.
Do focus on the helpers.
Helpers always come. Focus on them.
On that horrible day ten years ago,
firefighters, emergency rescue
crews, police officers and people
off the street entered the buildings
in an attempt to help others. Some
of those helpers gave their lives in
that effort. Many first responders
are still experiencing health
problems, including cancer, as a
result of their involvement. They
are and always will be HEROES.
Whenever they are in need, encourage
your children to look for the
helpers. Again, helpers always
come.
Do limit TV and internet exposure.
The amount of media time devoted to
the 9/11 attacks and their aftermath
is likely to increase over the next
few days. Guard your children from
overexposure by limiting their
access. View programs together and
discuss what you are watching. Visit
websites with your children if they
are interested in additional
information. Talk, share, evaluate,
debrief the content and set limits
on the exposure time as well as type
of content viewed. Turn off the TV.
Shut down the computer. Enough is
enough. You will know when that is
for your children.
Do affirm life. In
every tragedy there are signs of
growth. Show your children evidence
of the resiliency of the human
spirit and how life itself finds a
way to grow and learn, even in the
face of the most tragic of events.
As a living reminder of this, the
9/11 Memorial has over four hundred
trees planted throughout the site.
Life survives. New growth is
present. Focus on life and growth
with your children. Keep learning,
growing and moving forward as a
family.
The depth of the pain and heartache of the 9/11 tragedy is not
measurable. Yet, the horrific event
can serve as a useful purpose if we
use it to help our children learn
about feelings, look for the
helpers, develop tolerance and
appreciate the connectedness of all
human beings. As we remember the
over two thousand individuals who
lost their lives that day, let us
move forward with peace and
acceptance in our hearts. |
